I should start with a disclaimer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a therapist, I absolutely believe that talking can be transformative, and that conversations can change lives. And I’m not disputing that loneliness and not being able to share our internal worlds is a social and personal disaster. Shame particularly is useful to bring out of the shadows and into words. But I’m going to suggest that there’s a bit of a lingering stereotype about men not talking feelings which doesn’t really hold up anymore (it’s not like thousands of young men are fresh back from a world war) and even a moralising about talking feelings...when actually it’s not always a should.
There’s 2 criticisms concerning men talking feelings that I’ve witnessed frequently, the first is that men don’t do it enough and the second is that men do it to their female partners rather than to their friends, with a spate of quite poisonous articles a few years ago about girlfriends doing emotional labour…another blog post topic.
“Talking about feelings” is quite a vague concept to start with, and how much people do it varies across way more than a gender binary of course. The idea that it is important exists more amongst societies whereby the individual is seen as an entirely separate entity from family or community and differentiated, and societies where talking has been monetised: eg what I do, with talking therapies. It traditionally is something that occupies a more female sphere, and this division has been reinforced through damaging and oppressive structures about what it means to be female and what it means to be male.
Because talking about feelings is such a broad term, what constitutes it ends up a bit subjective. Here’s a completely fabricated exchange for illustrative purposes:
“Hey, want to come for a pint?”
“Sure. I’ve had a rough week so could do with a couple”
“Ah sorry to hear that, mate”
“It’ll be alright, see you up the front”
Is this somewhat ridiculously boysy conversation where feelings are expressed, and acknowledged “good enough” to count as talking about feelings? Or does it not count until there’s a longer and more analytical dissection later in the pub? Or is it enough that our first speaker feels okay to say he’s down, and the second offers warm feelings back again?
Linguistic research is particularly interesting with picking apart gendered discussion on feelings, and whilst people talk feelings across ALL demographics the way they do it is often different with men less likely to go into detail and using different words: eg “It’s really fucking annoying” rather than “I feel so upset about this”, so sometimes it’s in the listening not the saying. Though affect labelling (putting feelings into words) is one way that helps emotional regulation, sometimes it gets valorised as if it is the only way. Especially by counselling-style cultures that see talking as the “correct” route.
And it’s not the only way.
We may talk about our feelings for loads of reasons. Talking feelings is not the end goal but rather for a purpose. to feel connected to other people, to feel supported, for working options out, to soothe ourselves, to feel valued, and often because we enjoy it. If the lads in our fictional conversation above get to the pub and talk politics or football they may still get a sense of belonging and connection and value and pleasure. If they then go play a game of football they also are helping emotional regulation through movement as well as that sense of connection etc. Movement helps mental health, as does talking, one isn’t necessarily better than the other, it may be personal preference.
The second criticism is of men only talking to female partners and close female friends and not to each other. Presumably this is mostly levelled at straight men, but not always. My teenage son (whose permission I have for these posts) talks to me more than anyone else about his feelings, but that’s because, a) I'm nosy about them and, b) he’d rather talk to his friends about the fun and interesting shared interests they have. This isn’t because he’s hiding his feelings but rather they’re not as much a priority as talking about the latest minutiae of the Marvel universe. He’s less interested in his self and sense of identity but rather particular aspects of the outside world, which, actually, should be encouraged. So he connects with them about their shared interests because this is what relationships are. He would much rather I was more conversational about comics than they were about their emotions. Various research supports the idea that it’s not distress that stops some men talking feelings but that it’s not particularly pleasurable or interesting. Not talking about your internal world can be avoidance or shame or isolation, but it really isn’t always. And actually there’s a lot to be said for focusing not on your individual upsets but a much wider picture, and prioritising the things that you enjoy in life not the things that get you down. This theory is what motivates the (pretty effective when stuck to) idea of “gratitude diaries” as a way to manage anxiety and depression, or putting problems in perspective through CBT techniques or the idea of acceptance.
Over talking problems - excessive problem talk - can actually grow the distress about it, and reinforce feelings of being wronged or other people’s wrongness, especially if you do it with multiple people rather than the select few who have great importance in your life and may challenge your perspective. Rumination can be extremely destructive, and a problem shared repeatedly can be a problem doubled, particularly when loyalties are torn. Having a range of coping strategies for feelings is optimal, but verbal communication isn’t the king of all connections, and sometimes a meme will do. Talking feelings can be one of several ways of feeling close and cared for, but it’s not the only one or always the best one and going for a run with someone or playing video games instead isn’t some kind of uncaring cop out. I want in no way to minimise male mental health issues - and we’ll talk men and suicide another time - but we need to make sure talking is not a demand and yet another pressure, but rather an invite, as one of many ways we connect.
I found this article really perceptive and illuminating! I (a woman) used to buy into the talking-about-feelings imperative pretty wholesale, but have since chatted a lot to my football-loving, emotionally sensitive and articulate (male) partner about the fact that often he doesn't actually find feelings-talk very helpful. It's not that he's ashamed of having feelings, or feels unable to express them -- it's just that, especially as we're both worriers, we've definitely experienced the "a problem shared is a problem doubled" dynamic you describe A LOT. It took a while for me to realise that I had a lot to learn from my partner re not needing to constantly confess one's emotions to friends and lovers in some flawed project of greater self-understanding. Initially, partly influenced by my feminist friends, partly by social media and superficially feminist clickbait lifestyle articles, I just dismissed it as "toxic masculinity" (he doesn't want to talk about why he's feeling down instead of go to the pub or play sport or a video game because he's emotionally unintelligent - and he's emotionally unintelligent because he was socialised as a man) -- whereas now I see that rumination can be a collective process that we enable each other in, and that the cult of self-confession, introspection, and the self more generally is actually pretty bad for our mental health! As you say, there are other ways of managing feelings that are more helpful, and uplift those around us too. Anyways, I sent my partner this post and he also really liked it. We'll both be following your new blog x