The Boys Are Alright...Without Therapy
As a therapist I’ve been pretty irked to see the social media trend of damning men who haven’t been to therapy, a spate of statements - and clickbait articles of which I clicked plenty before writing this, so, yeah, they won - stating you should never date a man who hasn’t had therapy. It makes me feel like therapy is the new Job Centre, some compulsory activity that has to be engaged with to tick the right box.
I wrote here about engaging with men as a relationship therapist and ways it works. So in the interests of my commitment to my profession but my even greater commitment to the wider project of revolution here is another side of the coin, and I’m bucking the trend of over complicating and maximising (hopefully trademarked, see below!) things by providing a numbered list.
So here’s just a useful myth busting list of 5 things about therapy and the call to go to it.
Therapy isn’t a cure all. Therapy can undoubtedly be incredibly useful, even transformative, to some people’s lives. But. For all the men who can weaponise their emotions we have the clients who can weaponise their therapist’s approach: a man who harnesses invisible armies and tells his partner his friends think she’s nuts is pretty likely to tell his partner his therapist says she’s a narcissist. It’s such a cliche but it’s so very true that only the willingness to change and take personal responsibility can affect change in a client. This is partly why domestic perpetrator programmes are so contested, the research suggests that for every personal revolution there may indeed be an abuser learning new tricks. And on a lesser level going to therapy can be another tool in a toolbox of being a dickhead. I know of no research that suggests men who have been to therapy make better friends or partners.
Telling someone in anger they should go to therapy; telling someone you’ve never met on the internet that they should or all men should or all people should; or telling someone who hasn’t been or can’t afford to that you understand more about them because you have; telling the world you’ll only value people who have been…all these are not genuine approaches to invite anyone into self-reflection. This is; in fact; using therapy as one-upmanship which suggests that individuals could benefit from a little more self reflection…and therapy may be one of a myriad of ways that can happen.
Men shouldn’t treat their partners as therapists. I mean, no, god, no. If you’re scheduling a regular session to talk one directionally, with strict boundaries on all engagement the rest of the time, you’re probably not in the relationship you think you are. But often this is thrown out as meaning men should explore their complicated emotions, or their life experiences with a paid professional rather than with the person they feel closest to. Awkwardly, a lot of the time as a therapist I suggest my clients also raise these feelings with their partner. Often they bring them to me to make it possible to bring it to the relationship, not instead of. I hope I enable more of that exploratory conversation in relationships, not take the place of some worn down wife. I’d suggest that often when this is said by resentful partners the bit they’re missing is the mutuality, that they also want the same from their men, not that they want less of it.
Talking therapy is the best therapy for everyone, especially men. Talking therapy - and especially very long, intense, regularly scheduled therapy - gets something of an over valourising, which is, I’d lightly suggest, part of our wholesale adoption of modern Americanisms which have a whole host of cultural and social baggage. Yet somebody’s growing into themselves can be 6 weeks of CBT or it could be 4 years of psychoanalysis or it could be that first gay kiss on Eastenders. Realistically, an hour a week of your time will only transform your mind the amount an hour a week of your time would transform your body: it’s what happens in the space between, in the practices, the repetitions, the habits, the changes, the relationships built and held.
Therapy speak is the best way to chat about feelings. Quite a lot has been written on this recently, this somewhat bewildering ransacking of psychological terminology to describe and perceive the world. You know what? Sometimes I have to back my clients away from that speak to have any connection with where they’re at. It can get in the way of feelings because it is also, often, and usually, a professional and academic practice, and when you’re looking through that lens but haven’t been shown how to use the binoculars nothing quite fits. It’s like how I accidentally use Marxist terminology weirdly because I’ve only read the graphic novel version of The Communist Manifesto, and sometimes it gets in the way of my understanding of Capitalism. And, when I reach for stuff I’m over intellectualising, more often in my connection with other people who may be resisting it.
I use this term “maximising” and I’m not sure if I’ve invented it. If so, hopefully I’ll either become a famous millionaire from it or it’s useful to a few readers. I’m good with either. Minimising is one of the terms identified in abusive relationships (eg “I just gave her a slap” is a minimsation) Maximising is the art of the opposite, a popular activity calling any act of selfishness narcissism, or of naming a hurtful thing devastating when it’s a late birthday card rather than your dog run over, or of issuing any grandiose declarations on the impact of someone’s actions. Rowing couples are dead prone to this. I’d suggest instead reducing those feelings to a level they belong. Power down.